Repaint Jesus

Andrew had purchased a painting awhile back at a concert he went to.  One of the things that Curt did while we were up at the cabin was build a frame for it.  It  is a huge-o painting.

It turned out exactly as Andrew had pictured.  As you know that is not always the case.  We can have an idea in our head but sometimes……

Here it is

I have to admit at first I wasn’t sure what I thought of it.   Repaint Jesus?

Then the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. 

Think about the last time you saw a picture of the crucifixion.  I am pretty sure it did not display the true picture of the price that Jesus paid.  The Bible tells us that Jesus was bloody and unrecognizable. 

His love for us was so intense that He paid the highest price to set us free.  It is not something to take for granted.  It is life changing.  When we really begin to understand that it cost Him everything, then we begin to repaint that picture in our head.  The picture of His deep love for us.

I am reminded of that old song…… “How can I say thanks for the things He has done for me.  Things so undeserved, yet He gave to prove  His love for me…  To God be the glory….”

 Here is Andrew with his painting on the wall.  Yes it is that big.   I wish that I had pictures of Curt getting the nails on the wall.  I was too busy holding on to his belt and keeping the chair from moving.  (Andrew is leaning on the door to go downstairs)

Repaint Jesus.  I’d love to hear what you think it means.

til next time

when your body doesn’t listen

There are just some things in life I don’t need to experience personally to know it is not a good thing.  An anxiety attack is one of those things.

Irrational fear that grips a person, heart rate speeds up or is sporadic, dizziness, light headed, violent shaking and an all over clammy feeling  – no I didn’t have to experience that to know that I would not like it. 

A few years back, however, I was “privileged” to see what it was like first hand.  My experience had to do with breathing -  a change in air quality.  It was horrible!!

For awhile a change in air pressure was sure to kick off another attack.  All the stern talking that I gave myself didn’t seem to matter.  My body would just not listen.  If my body thought that it was in jeopardy of breathing or trapped, it took over.

I did learn ways to combat this.  Immediate prayer being the first thing.  Getting outside was also helpful.  Forcing my focus onto something else also worked.  Eventually just taking a deep breath was all it took. 

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve had a full blown episode.  In fact, I thought I was all over that now.  A season in my life that was over.   Oh what a relief!

This Thanksgiving we were at my sister-in-laws.  There were 15 of us.  Right before lunch I went to the restroom.  Upon locking the door I realized that something wasn’t quite right.  I found myself unable to unlock the door. 

Now this really shouldn’t have been a big deal.  There were 14 other people right outside the door.  The body is an amazing thing.  If it senses danger it goes on full alert.  It really didn’t matter that there was no ‘danger’. 

I began pounding on the door.  Curt heard me and I knew that he would rescue me.  I heard them at the door and figured all was well.

Meanwhile, I went in there for a reason.  All the adrenaline was not helping.  I finished the task at hand, washed my hands, took a few deep breaths to calm the few remaining anxiety nerves and reached for the door handle.  It was still locked!!   

At this point all rational reasoning went out the window.   I am sure that it was only moments – that is what Curt tells me.  However, it seemed like an eternity.   

I had a few choice comments for Curt.  I couldn’t believe that he had not made sure that the door was unlocked after the first cry for help.  In his defense, he saw the door open a bit and did not realize that  it locked again when it was closed.

 Upon my freedom I promptly went outside.  Wide open spaces were a welcome relief.  It was all I could do to go back inside. 

So what it is that causes the body to respond in such a way?  It makes no sense at all to me.   I spent much of the meal trying to get my body to calm back down.  I can’t really explain what it felt like, but it took all my focus to sit there.

As I reflect back on that day I am filled with questions.  Questions that have no answers. 

I only know that this experience is one I hope to never repeat.

Just a glimpse into what my fishbowl was like on Thanksgiving.   There is always next year.

til next time

when it rains….

There are people who are determined to learn the hard way.  They insist on making all their own mistakes.  Learning from the mistakes of others does not even hit on their radar. 

I am not one of those people – nor have I ever been one of those people.

There are people who think that if you haven’t personally experienced exactly what they are going through then you can’t possibly understand.  If you haven’t ‘been there’ then you just don’t know how very hard it is. 

I am not one of those people either.  Maybe in my teens and early 20’s I might have been.  I do know that if I was, then I have grown out of that way of thinking. 

Everyone has problems.  No one is immune to life’s trials.  

In my life God has used people to minister to and touch my life in ways that are down right amazing.   If I waited for someone to come along who is walking in shoes similar to mine, I would still be waiting.

I was talking with a co-worker today and mentioned that in my life right now I am pre-menopausal, dealing with the empty nest syndrome and coming to grips with my mom’s diagnosis of dementia.  (Currently my mom is spending a few weeks here.)  I also told her that I was sure that the purpose of all of this happening at the same time was not an attempt to drive me over the top. 

She laughed with me (sometimes it really helps to not take yourself so seriously) and said  something along the lines of “well, if you ended up at the mental ward that would probably mean that someone there needed help.” 

That is the key right there.  Much of the time it really isn’t about me. 

I remember crying with my friend whose parent was battling dementia/alzheimer’s.   I couldn’t truly understand then, but I could share in her tears.  I am so glad that I didn’t try to come up with a whole bunch of pat answers.  There really are no answers.   Now I have a whole bunch of questions, but still there are no answers. 

I saw another friend this weekend who (even though her kids are all still young and at home) understands in her heart how very hard it will be when they are gone. 

I don’t have to be living in the someone’s situation to extend compassion.   Someone doesn’t have to have experienced the ’same thing’ in order for God to use them to minister to me. 

When it rains sometimes it pours.   Yet it is that very rain that causes growth. 

Which always reminds me of this song.  Great pictures too!

If it never never rains, then we’ll never never grow.

til next time

listening

A friend was in tears today.   Sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes really hard.  What could I do?  What could I say?  

Why is it that I feel like I HAVE to do or say anything? 

So I listened.  She cried.  I listened some more.  Her pain was raw.  My heart hurt for her.  I validated her emotions – sometimes that is really all one can do. 

Yet I did understand.  In fact, I understood more than she would know.  Sometimes life hurts.  Sometimes there are no answers.

Sometimes people we count on aren’t there.  Sometimes those we think are with us are really only looking out for their own interests.  Sometimes people let us down.  Sometimes we let others down. 

She apologized for unloading on me. 

Why is it that we feel the need to apologize when we have turned to someone to unburden our load? 

Why is it that we think we must be able to handle all things well or there is something wrong with us?  

Why is it that we push people away when what we need is an understanding ear and a prayer?

A friend was in tears today.  I listened. 

til next time

i.i.w.i.i.

Empty nesting is all I thought it would be and so much more.  If  I stopped right there …  maybe I should just stop right there? 

My mother keeps telling me every time I talk to her, “You wouldn’t want them lying around all day doing nothing.”    She is right, but there is a difference between moving out — say to an apartment in the next town — and moving 6 hours (Chris) or 8 hours (Andrew) away. 

We had the opportunity to take some of Andrew’s things (motorcycle, car, food, etc) up to him this past week.  I have decided that I am NOT driving through Minneapolis, during anything remotely close to rush hour traffic, ever again. 

What I can’t ignore is the biggest grin on my son’s face.  Here he is in his element. 

Yes, this is the latest addition to our family.  I am now a ‘grandma’    Jasmine is just a little over 9 weeks old.

 

The view is just gorgeous -even though it rained most of the time we were there.   I certainly can see the attraction of a cabin on a lake.

Chris and Galina were able to come up for the week-end.  I am blessed to have her as my daughter.  Ok the wedding isn’t until May but as far as I am concerned she is my daughter. 

Having us all together was great!  

This is the beginning of a new season of life.   i.i.w.i.i is my new slogan.  It is what it is.  A big part of frustration is not accepting truth or trying to make it be something it isn’t.   i.i.w.i.i. brings me back to reality.  It stops me from spinning around in the circles.  It reminds me that God is in control.

Many people have hinted at our moving to MN now that our kids are both there.   While I would love to be close to them, I really have no desire to live in MN.  It is cold too much of the year and way more snow than I like.

Chris and Galina are talking about Florida in a couple years. Andrew has not abandoned the possibility of border patrol.   Only God knows what the future holds.  As for Curt and I, when God is ready to move us He will let us know.  

So for all of you that are wondering — Yes, my heart aches.   I miss my boys. I miss being a part of their daily lives.   This is uncharted territory for me.  Some days I handle it better than others.    Yet I do know that one day my heart and my head will be on the same page.  In the meantime God’s grace is sufficient as our fish bowl changes.

til next time

uncovered

                

                                                 Autumn is here.    

Every fall as the leaves begin to turn and the air temperature drops I am reminded of this scripture.

Hebrew 4:13 (NIV) Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.

When the trees lose their leaves – the trunk and the branches are exposed. 

It is possible to cover up or gloss over areas in our lives that need attention.  We can become very good at making excuses.    Some are very good at acting – pretending to be something that they aren’t or pretending that all is grand. 

Before God there is no pretense.  Before God there is no such thing as great acting.  Before God there is no cover up.  

V12 of that same chapter reminds us

¹²For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Thoughts and attitudes — that is way deeper than just the actions.  Oh our actions matter, but we can be outwardly doing the right thing and have a huge inward problem.  

Autumn — I love the colors, beauty, and creativity that is all around me.  It is also a reminder to me that my life is laid open before God. 

Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

On a side note, we had a God moment while we were out looking at leaves.  We stopped at an apple orchard and to our surprise ran into friends.     You might recognize Julie (on the left) from the moving day.

 

 

til next time

bad hair day

Some days are just bad hair days.  A good rule to follow is ‘don’t do anything drastic -wait a day’  — things can look completely different if you just give yourself a day.

Today was not one of those ‘wait’ days.

In our small town we have plenty of places to go to get your hair cut.  I’ve tried many of them.  It really gets under my skin when I have paid for a hair cut only to get home and have to ‘fix’ the cut. 

So a few years ago I returned to cutting my own hair.  I have naturally curly hair and it surprises me just how many beauticians don’t have a clue how to cut it. 

When I was a kid I would watch my mom cut my brother’s hair.  He has a lot of hair.  Hair cuts fascinated me.  So one day I took a scissors to my own hair.  Hmmm, not bad.

Thus began my journey into hair cutting. 

I used this ‘talent’ during my college years.    I soon had more hair cuts than I wanted.  Yet it was fun!

I cut my boy’s hair until it was no longer ‘cool’ to have a hair cut by your mom.  It was frustrating though.  Many times I had to fix their paid for hair cut. 

It is a bit difficult to cut the back of one’s own head.  Doable but difficult, so for the past few years I have had Curt  ‘help’ me cut my hair.  He is capable of cutting a straight or curved line (depending on what I wanted at the time).  It saved me a lot of time. 

Enter this morning — I step out of the norm and ask him to do something just a bit different.  I draw a diagram for him and explain it in detail.  What I am looking for him to do is a U shaped cut – then I will do the rest. 

What I got did not resemble a U.  He cut 3 to 5  inches  off the bottom.    I didn’t want shoulder length hair.  I didn’t want to lose my long hair.  I just wanted my sides shorter.    I was just having a bad hair day.

The really good thing about all of this is that it has taken my mind off of the really big things that are going on right now.  It has indeed been a diversion from the intensity of  emotions that seem to come at me from all sides (empty nest, missing my boys, dementia, drama).

Hmmm, will tomorrow be another bad hair day?  If so, what will I do?

til next time

moving day

Moving day — excitement and sadness all mixed up together. 

It was harder than I imagined and I had expected it to be quite difficult. 

I am so grateful that I didn’t face this alone.  I thought of my mother and how she had to face my move by herself  (my father had died just 3 short months before my move.) 

The morning of Andrew’s move we met for breakfast with our long time family friends.  Our kids have grown up together and are pretty much like siblings.  Megan is the closest thing to a sister the boys have. 

When we moved to Iowa, I met Julie at my first job.  It was one of those God moments.  Some people walk into our lives and we are forever changed.  I told Megan the other day that everyone should have a ‘Julie’ in their life. 

When we all got together before Chris moved Andrew had to work and so he couldn’t be there.  This time Chris couldn’t be there.   Times are changing.

So many memories – so many different things to laugh about and all the inside jokes. 

  Here is one of my favorite photos of the four of them.  It was at Meg’s graduation. 

I miss those days.  I still find myself forgetting to turn the kitchen light off when I go to bed.  (Last one in shut the kitchen light off and turned the night light on – usually that ended up being Andrew.)

I’ve been given much grief over the years about my apron strings.   Truth is that our boys had a lot of freedom growing up.   Apron strings — not so much.  Involved and taking an active role in their lives as they grew up — yes very much guilty of that.

It could have been harder.  Since they are twins they both could have left at the same time.  I am grateful that did not happen.  God does know what we can handle.

I know that it is a good thing and this is the way it is meant to be.  I know that this is part of life.  Yet what I know and what I feel just can’t seem to get on the same page. 

 til next time

letting go

How a church treats a minister’s children speaks so very loudly to the minister.   Surrounded by friends I made it through this day.    I am so grateful for the love and support that was evident this moring.   Curt and I are blessed. 

When I woke up this morning a part of me certainly wanted to just stay in bed.  Another part of me wanted to capture every moment.  Today was the church’s send off party for Andrew.  By this time next week he will be in Minnesota and our lives will have turned a corner.     

There are so many emotions that I struggle with and am not doing a good job of  dealing with.  Talk about emotional overload.  In less than a week we will be empty nesters.  We haven’t heard about Curt’s ct test.  Then add to this  that I haven’t fully dealt with the realization of my mom’s health issues.  Furthermore, my body can’t decide if it is menopausal or just worn out. 

 There were times during worship this morning where I just stood there with my eyes closed listening to my son sing.  I can’t imagine what next week will be like when he is not there.  Oh, I am trying to get a grip and maintain some semblance of sanity.  My head and my heart are just not in tune with each other. 

It was a full Sunday.   

There was an award’s ceremony for the Rangers.  

Andrew was given a plaque for his years of service as commander. 

 

Susan and Hannah sang “Find Your Wings” by Mark Harris.   

Susan, I know that this was not an easy thing for you to do but it meant more than words can say.  

Hannah I am so glad that you sang with her.  I may have cried through the whole thing but I will always remember it.  

Curt preached a powerful message on “Having Enough – enough time, resources, energy etc to accomplish God’s plan for our lives.   

The problem comes in when we attempt to do things in our own strength, when we step out of the will of God, when we are trying to do more than what God intends for us to do, when we aren’t content with what we have,  when better, bigger, more is our focus and not God…..

Need vs want was addressed.  This is a key element to living within your means.    Great message honey.  Don’t always want to hear it but am so grateful to not be drowning in debt.

 

Two peas in a pod.

Like father like son. 

 

 

 

 

Here is Andrew humoring me.  I love pics  

 

 

 

 

 

Andrew told us that if we bought him a Harley he would not move.  So we did just that.  Here is his Harley!   While  he does acknowledge that it is a very detailed model, the answer was still no.  LOL

 

“How am I doing?”  I’m trying to stay positive.   I am holding on tightly to my trust in God that He will guide my children and see Curt and I through this household change. 

til next time

empty nest

The water is stirring in my fishbowl again.

When the count down was 80 something I didn’t let it faze me.  When the count was 50 something I was still in denial.  30 something started to get my attention, yet I still managed to push the thoughts to the far corner of my mind.

The count is now less than two weeks – 12 days to be exact.  We have started the “what do you want to do before you move”  list.  We have crossed off Pizza Ranch, Golden Coral, Pizza and a movie night at home, and going out to a movie.  We still have Dynasty buffet, 2nd degree black belt presentation, grocery shopping (of course I am sending food with him and food for his brother) and I’m sure there is more on his list that I am forgetting. 

Hmm, kind of funny how much revolves around food.

This is the next step in Andrew’s journey.  He is beyond ready for it, me not so much.  However, God helped me through Chris’ first apartment   (by the way Chris has not been home since May) and I know He will see me through this. 

It is a bit daunting though.  Just what is it I am going to be when I ‘grow up’?  What are Curt and I going to do with that big house?  We’ve spent the last 3 years working around Andrew’s schedule so that we could carve out time for the three of us.  What will we do now?   God knows that I am going to miss that boy terribly!  Yet another part of me is so very excited for him and the whole world that is out there.  The possibilities are endless. 

I do wonder at the timing though.  Maybe that is why some call it the mid-life crisis – kids move out, body changing, and parents ailing all at the same time.  Yet the key factor to not forget is that God is still on the throne and He is very much a present help in trouble.  I am grateful for the peace that comes in trusting Him.  I am grateful that I know my kids are in the palm of His hand.

til next time