not just another day

24 years ago today I gave birth to two fantastic baby boys.  I have no idea what it is like to have one child at a time but I can say that having twins is a wonderful adventure.  Children truly are a blessing from God.  Being a mom is one of my most favorite things to be!

11 years ago this month my mother was in the audience when I received my credentials – my license to preach.  I remember her face – a mixture of pride, surprise, and gladness. Pride – because she knew full well the cost involved – she put me through college.  Surprise – because I think she had given up on me actually going through the process to get that little slip of paper.  (I graduated in ’85 and have been doing ministry ever since but just hadn’t taken the test to make it official.)   Gladness – because serving the Lord is most important to her.

She told me more than once how happy it would have made my dad.  He died when I was 17.  He had graduated from Bible college also.  However, he never used his degree in the traditional way.

Why ordination?   I was able to do everything I felt called to do, or at least I thought so until I realized that with a license I was limited in mentoring other women going for their credentials.  Coming along side and helping women fulfill the call God has placed on their lives is important to me.   (see post Ordination for more on that process)

Today I will find myself walking up on the platform to receive my ordination.  I would have loved for my mom to be in the audience.  Dementia has taken a toll on her.  I am sure she would understand what is happening but forget it the next moment.

Sometimes the really big things in our lives are not recognized as big events by others but I am sure if my daddy could look down from heaven, he’d be doing a 6′ 2″ happy dance and telling everyone “that’s my girl!!!”  Hmmm,  I think that is what my heavenly Father is doing.

Zephaniah 3:17 (NASB)

¹⁷ “The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.”

til next time

this past week -

This past week-

I have put together all of the receipts, forms, and information for our tax guy.  This is no small feat.  As ministers, Uncle Sam allows us to take advantage of what is called a housing allowance.  The important thing about this allowance is that we have to document everything and all the receipts have to equal more than the allowance.  In addition, both my husband and I are considered self-employed with our jobs at the church and then we also have jobs where we are considered employees.  What that boils down to is lots and lots of paperwork.

In this past week-

I was blessed to spend Thursday night through Saturday evening with five great women.  That alone would be wonderful but it is made even better because I call these women my friends!!  It was  girl time.  It was God time.  It just doesn’t get any better than laughing and crying with your girlfriends.  In amongst all the fun was the knowledge that God is doing some awesome things.

In this past week -

my son made a trip to MN on his bike.  On the way home he broke down and his brother and friends had to trailer his bike home.

Here is what happened.  On his way home Saturday night he had an experience that could have turned out so much different.  Tooling down the highway at 80 mph (he did not learn that from his mom or dad) his bike shut off.  As it was slowing down he managed to get it to start again.   However, there was still a problem.  His bike shut off and this time the back tire locked up.  Praise God he wasn’t going 80 when that happened.   He managed to keep it upright and get it safely off the road.  I know he had help from above!   Also God sent an officer  who told him that even though the exit was only a mile ahead, the nearest town was 7 or 8 miles beyond that exit.  He gave Chris a ride in the opposite direction to a truck stop where he could eat and watch a movie while he waited a few hours for the guys to get there.  Isn’t God good!!!

In this past week -

I have been lacking adequate sleep.  I am so grateful to God that I can place my kids in His care and sleep.  Yes, even though it was 9:30 at night when Andrew left to get Chris, I slept wonderfully.  Of course before falling asleep I did have to ask Curt to pray with me twice -  Not because God didn’t hear us the first time but because I was still bound up with worry and fear.

In this past week -

I went to my first tea party (complete with real tea cups) to celebrate a precious little girl’s birthday. Maggie keeps me in stitches and gives me plenty of hugs.  While blowing out the candle on her cake she wished for another tea party soon.  How precious is that?

In this past week -

while I absolutely loved the tea party, it did stir up some emotions in me that I haven’t had to deal with in quite a while.  (Before we got married, my friends made sure that Curt agreed to 12 kids.  Yes 12!  Ever since I can remember I wanted a large family.) The fact that even with the doctors help, we were unable to have any more children is something I have had to come to terms with.  Most of the time I am fine with that and always I am very grateful for my twins.

I know how blessed I am!

Other times though, something is said and I am reminded of just how deeply I longed for a girl or I get a glimpse of what it would have been like to have a bunch of kids.  and Bam!  Pow! – there is that old desire with renewed strength and must now be dealt with again or it shall surely steal my joy.  Once in a while I am caught off guard and this past week I had to deal with that ache in my heart on a couple of occasions.  God tenderly and lovingly heals the heart that hurts.

This past week -

the challenge to stick to water as my only beverage was tested.  So far so good. 

This past week -

I heard from my brother and the time has come when they will no longer be taking care of our mom who is battling dementia.  We have three months.  The emotional roller coaster is trying to start-up again.  Truth is I have no clue what the right thing to do is.

This past week -

has been an example to me of the goodness of God.  In the midst of whatever we face, good or bad, God’s peace is ours if we will just accept it and let God be in control.

This coming week -

is in God’s hands.

til next time

traditions

Memories light the corners of my mind………….

It is hard to approach a holiday season and not take a walk down memory lane.  This year I miss my mom.  I talked with her tonight but even though she sounds like my mom, the dementia has taken its toll.  Tonight she informed me that ‘they had made it safely to Florida.’  I didn’t ask her who ‘they’ were.   After all, she has been in Florida for a year and a half.   I just consider myself blessed to be able to hear her tell me she loves me and that she looks forward to seeing me.

It did get me to thinking about Christmas and traditions.

There are traditions that have gone by the way side.  For us, one of those traditions  was the need to have oyster soup for Christmas Eve.    One year  (early on in our marriage) the weather stopped us from going home for Christmas and so I sent Curt out to find us oysters.  We absolutely must have oyster soup for supper.   If I couldn’t go home, at least I could have the traditional meal.   It was Christmas Eve and I don’t remember how many different places he went to before he found  oysters.   Imagine his surprise when I dipped myself a bowl of broth — no oysters, just the broth.   That was the end of that tradition.   Now we have chili.

Then we moved out-of-state and found ourselves far from extended family.   With having a Christmas day service (thus making it difficult to go home for the holidays) we needed to come up with new traditions.  Gone were the big extended family gatherings.  My kids don’t know what it is like to go to Grandma’s for Christmas.  What they lost with that we made up for in other ways.

We created new traditions. 

Decorating the tree means cheese and crackers and Christmas music.   Our tree is loaded with ornaments that the boys  made and an assortment of sentimental ornaments.

The second to last ornament is always Santa and his sleigh, with the last ornament being the tree topper.

A tradition we started when the boys were in school was something we called the ‘early present.’  On the final day of school, before Christmas break, they were allowed to open one present.     This was a big hit.  I still look forward to my early present.

So much of the time pk’s have to share their parents.  We made the decision that the holiday meal would be  just the 4 of us.    It became about family time.    We pull out the china and go all out.

This year we are blessed to have one son home for Christmas.  Our other son and ‘daughter’ will not be here for Christmas BUT are moving back home after Christmas.    Traditions are good but flexibility is even better.

We are blessed.

Merry Christmas!

til next time

this too shall pass

Helen Steiner Rice had the right idea when she penned the poem ‘This Too Shall Pass’.

It seems that sometimes life comes at us with the intensity of a tsunami.  A life situation (volcanic eruption) that produces  overwhelming (a large wave) emotions.  There seems to be nowhere to run to get out of its way.

Other times there seems to be a storm brewing that brings lightning, thunder, rain, and hail in sheets.  A person can feel totally drenched.  Depending on the size of the hail or the strike of the lightning, injury may even occur.

This has been a year of storms for me.

I spoke with my mom the other day and she didn’t remember the boys.  She didn’t think I had children.  Dementia is a cruel disease.  It was just this past February that I knew something was wrong.

She is going through the stages way too fast.  I, on the other hand, am still wanting to be in denial.     I don’t understand it.  I didn’t need to experience it first hand to have compassion and know that it is emotionally draining.  Yet here I am.

Through all of that my body decided that it had to  produce histamine in abundance.  That was a hail storm I hope to never experience again.

The storm intensified when Curt passed out this past October.   While I am extremely grateful that we received a good report at the last doctor visit, my body hasn’t seemed to bounce back from the toll that the last 9 months has given it.  Hmmm, 9 months??  — where is my bundle of joy?

The latest storm that is brewing is making it hard for me to concentrate.  My head is ringing — buzzing — pretty much non-stop these days.  The doctor did find the culprit.  My inner ears have decided not to drain.  Here’s hoping and praying that the meds work and the noise stops.

So I find myself going back to Helen Steiner Rice’s poem.  If you haven’t read it lately.  Here it is.

This Too Shall Pass
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

…Helen Steiner Rice

Many years ago my dear friend Rose gave me a wall hanging of this poem.  (I still have it)  It was a very difficult time in my life.    I am reminded that God was right there through that period of pain.   He is an ever-present help in trouble.

Whatever you are facing or will face in the days ahead, God is there.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Rom 15:13

In amongst all the storms I am still blessed beyond words.  My children are all home for Christmas!!  This is the year that I now have a daughter!!  We continue to live debt free (other than our house mortgage)!!  Curt’s heart is strong!!  I have the privilege of having people in my life  who make me laugh when I feel like crying!!

til next time

what if – how does

Ok so the “what if’s” and the “how does” have gotten the better of me tonight.  My brain seems to swimming in so many directions all at once that I thought I better try to get some sort of order back into my thinking before I head back to work tomorrow.

How does a healthy 50-year-old man, who works out 4 days a week, end up winded after running two laps at the gym?  Three weeks ago he ran 10 miles.  The doctor said to continue doing what you normally do and so he did.  Then he failed his second stress test.

Here is what we know.  The left side of the heart is weaker than it should be.  Upon watching the ultrasound we both could see that the valves on the left side did not look like the valves on the right side.  What does this mean?  I don’t know but I know that it doesn’t look like the picture of a healthy heart.  I know that I could only see one valve but the tech said he saw the 4th one.

Sometimes having knowledge at your fingertips can be not so good.  What if he has to have a valve replaced?

Today he went to go running and said that he felt great.  Great for the first lap.  The second lap found him winded.  How does that happen?

Driving became an issue this week-end.  He has always done the driving.  We have a great arrangement.  He drives.  I get to read, crochet, sleep, …..  When we entered into the cities he was having focus issues – it’s a 6 hour drive.   He has driven up and back the same day many times with no problems.  How does this happen so quickly?

This concerned him.  What if he passed out?  What if…….  At one point I should have had him pull over but I was pretty much in denial.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the thought that driving was causing issues.   How does this happen?

However, on the way home, he drove for an hour then I drove, and so forth.  It also helped that we ended up spending the night at a hotel part way home.    

He let me know that he has been having pressure issues.  I’ve told him that I want to know when.   Maybe that wasn’t a great idea.  He is having them way more than I realized.  How does this happen?

October 15th has changed our lives.  This was the day he passed out and we spent the night at the hospital.  What if it happens again?  Oh wait, it did.  He failed the tilt table test and for the second time passed out in front of me.  His heart flat lined.  I don’t even have the words to fully explain what that was like.  That makes twice now that I have seen him look dead.    What if there is a next time?

I am trying to remain calm and full of faith.  Did I mention that I am perimenopausal and my stress level was off the charts before this all happened?  How does God think I can deal with this?  What if I can’t?

I so badly wanted to talk to my mom about this.  I called her and she was glad to hear from me.  Then she asked who all was  in my family and where was I living?  We have been in the same town for 20 years this February.  How does she go so quickly through the stages of dementia?  What if she doesn’t remember who I am?  How do I deal with this? I just want my momma to tell me it is going to be ok.

So those are some of the what ifs and how does questions that are bouncing around in my head.

Now for what I know to be true.  I know that God does not give us more than we can handle.  I know that left up to me, I certainly wouldn’t want to handle anything tough.  I know that God is in control.  I know that even in this, I can believe Him and trust Him.  I know that trials make you stronger.  I know that this too shall pass.  I know that on the 9th of December we will have some answers.  I know that God already knows.

Most importantly — I know that people are praying for us.  This is a good thing because all I can do when I go to pray about this is cry.  Ah, but I know that God understands my tears and He hears my heart.

I also know that I have listened to this song a lot lately.  Music does help!

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm!

til next time

wedding

I have a daughter!   I am way excited that it is official.  She actually became my daughter (in my heart) months ago.

Top left is the best man (Chris’ twin) and the maid of honor (Galina’s sister)

Bottom right is  me and my baby boy.  We had a nice long walk to the front.  I enjoyed every minute of it.

Curt was honored to perform the ceremony.  It isn’t every day that you get to address the groom as ‘Son’.  It also isn’t every day that you get to be the first to introduce Mr and Mrs.

A picture perfect day!!

The brothers!!

The beauty of nature provided a wonderful background for pictures.

A most fitting cake topper.

All in all, it was a great day.  My sister was able to pick my mother up from the rehab center.  Mom is doing better and will be released this next week.  She still needs 24 supervision and I haven’t a clue what we are going to do.  I wish that I would not have had to deal with any of that during this most special week but we don’t live in a perfect world.    I’d love to say that I stayed on my food plan and continued to abstain from all forms of soda, but only in  a perfect world.

It is what it is!!!!

til next time

He will carry you, part 2

Time for an update.   To read the beginning click ->  He will carry you part one

Since I posted last, it seems that time has stood still.  I have no other explanation as to how so very much could happen in such a short period of time.

Mom was admitted to the hospital that Saturday night.  With Sunday being such a full day around our house and Monday we were going to be short 2 people already at the clinic, I made the decision not to head up there.

I kept in contact with my sister and my mother.

On Monday I spoke with the nurse and she assured me all was being taken care of.  On Tuesday, I again spoke with the nurse, doctor, social worker, my mother, my sister….. (you get the point)  and determined that I needed to head up there.    (Curt and I made all the necessary arrangements.  Oh for the day when life was easy)

They were releasing my mother on Wednesday.  I had to make the decision to put mom in a rehabilitation care center (nursing home).  She needs 24 hour care and therapy.  I could not let her go back to my sisters.  (My sister is raising 2 teenagers and homeschooling one of them)  The doctor and the social worker were pushing for sending her back to Carolyn’s.  They didn’t have a clue.

I did not want to be the one to do this.  Yet my sister couldn’t.  They would have taken mom home with them.   I couldn’t let that happen.  My brothers weren’t there.  A decision had to be made.

Yet, putting her in the nursing home was indeed the worst day of my life.  I can’t begin to put into words just how that affected me.   I  would tell myself that this is just for the rehabilitation process -  all the while  knowing that she may not get to the point that she would be released from 24 hour care.

Then the thought would surface, if she can be released where will she go?   My sister has her hands full.   Hubby and I are working two jobs each.  ??

We were up there through Friday.  Mom did not want to be there.  Everyone knew that.   It was the first thing Florence said to us.  ( She eats at mom’s table).

Then I told her we had to head back to Iowa….. how I wish I could get her facial expression removed from my memory.    It breaks my heart still.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Friday night mom developed a temperature.  She has an infection in her lungs.

Still dealing with the guilt of that, on Wednesday, I get the call that she fell.  She was taken to the hospital and admitted once again.   She has a fractured vertebrae.

I know in my head that it is not my fault but there is no telling my heart that.

Curt has said that he will do whatever I decide.  He offered to go get her and bring her to our house.  We would work out the 24 hours care needed and ALL the other details.  This I want to do.

Yet, my son is getting married in two weeks and is counting on us for many things in the next two weeks.  I just can’t do that to him.

Torn between my mother and my son.  In a perfect world this would not happen.  BUT –  It Is What It Is!!  (i.i.w.i.i)

Through it all, I know that God has a plan.  I know that He doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  I also know that I don’t have a clue as to just how much I can handle.    I am learning first hand that ‘With God I can do all things” is a very  powerful verse.

Of one thing I am sure — God will carry you no matter what you face.

til next time

He will carry you

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.   Oh I know that all things work for our good and all.   I know that God is still God.   I know that He has it all under control.  Yet there are times my feelings get the better of me.

I try not to live by my feelings.  Feelings can be deceiving.  Feelings can lie.  Feelings blind us to the truth.  Today my guard was down.    It may have something to do with working 24 hours between Thursday and Friday.  Yes, 24 hours.   I am physically drained.  This is not the time to deal with emotional issues.

Yet that doesn’t seem to matter.  You see, as I type this, my sister is taking my mother to the ER.  I hate that I am here and not there.   I talked with my mom this morning and it nearly broke my heart.

Last fall I went through all the “why” questions.  I still have no answers.  Now the big question faces me again.  What am I suppose to do? An answer to that question would be nice.

God speaks to me through music.  There are a couple of songs that give  me renewed hope and bring calm to the storm.   So I have youtube going in the background.  I have been listening to ‘Trust His Heart” and “He will carry you.”  Both are filled with truth and hope.

TRUST HIS HEART

All things work for our good.  Though sometimes we can’t see how they could.   Struggles that break our hearts in two, sometimes blind us to the truth.  Our Father knows what’s best for us.  His ways are not our own.   So when your pathway goes dim and you just can’t see Him, remember you’re never alone.

God is too wise to be mistaken.  God is too good to be unkind.  So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand – Trust His heart.

He sees the master plan.  He holds the future in His hands.  So don’t live as those who have no hope.  All our hope is found in Him.  We see the present clearly but He sees the first and the last.  And like a tapestry, He’s weaving you and me to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.  God is too good to be unkind.  So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand – Trust His heart.

“He will carry you”  is another one.

If He carried  the weight of the world up on His shoulders, I know my brother that He will carry you.  If  He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders, I know my sister that He will carry you.

He said come unto me all who are weary and I will give you rest.

There is no problem too big – God cannot solve it.  There is no mountain too tall – He cannot move it.  There is no storm too dark – God cannot calm it.  There is no sorrow to deep – He cannot soothe it.

If He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders, I know my brother that He will carry you.  If  He carried the weight of the world up on His shoulders, I know my sister that He will carry you.

So I leave my mother again in the hands of God.  Trusting that He will work all of this out for good.  As for my ‘feelings’ — when I can’t trace His hand I trust God’s heart.

til next time

angry at God?

A week ago hubby and I spent the night at my sisters.  It was great to see her and the family.  It was bitter sweet to see my mom.  My mom is moving much faster through the stages of dementia than I ever dreamt possible. 

I thought I had time.  Time, it turns out, is one thing that I really don’t have. Time marches on no matter how I deal with each day or situation.  Time does not wait for me to wrap my head around losing pieces of my mother.  Time does not care that I live far away.

When my friends have dealt with parents with dementia/ alzheimers  I have always said that I didn’t have any answers.  It is something I can’t explain.   I cried with them.  I prayed with them.  I grieved with them.  The only thing I did  know was that God was still God and He was in control.

As we were leaving my sisters on Saturday I realized that I was angry with God.  I voiced this out loud because I knew that it was something that I could try to hide but that would only make things worse.  I needed to have it out there so I would deal with it.  Besides I couldn’t hide it from God if I wanted to. 

Here is what I have come to terms with: 

anger is not a sin – sinning in my anger or because of my anger is sin, 

denial is a road better left untraveled, 

 bad things happen and I may never know why, 

walking in the truth means acknowledging the anger and then allowing God to wash me with His peace, 

and most important is the fact that God is still in control.  He is not unaware of the life my mother has lived.  He is not unaware of the life she is living now.  He is still God and I am not.

Anger in and of itself is not the issue.  It is what I do with the anger that becomes the issue. 

nursing the anger – pity,

fueling the anger – outbursts,  

blame game – this one is huge in destroying relationships,

misplaced anger - being harsh with others — the list goes on of things that are not right. 

 There are numerous scriptures that deal with the writer and his anger.  The key is the writer does not stay in his anger but comes back around to focusing on the goodness of God.

When God is magnified – problems become small in comparison.  Hope soars.

When the problem is magnified – hope shrinks and it is easy to put God in a box.

Today I am once again looking at things as “It is what it is”.  I can’t make things be the way I want them to be.  I can choose to trust God and let Him work things out for my good – for my mother’s good.

I trust God.

til next time

when it rains….

There are people who are determined to learn the hard way.  They insist on making all their own mistakes.  Learning from the mistakes of others does not even hit on their radar. 

I am not one of those people – nor have I ever been one of those people.

There are people who think that if you haven’t personally experienced exactly what they are going through then you can’t possibly understand.  If you haven’t ‘been there’ then you just don’t know how very hard it is. 

I am not one of those people either.  Maybe in my teens and early 20′s I might have been.  I do know that if I was, then I have grown out of that way of thinking. 

Everyone has problems.  No one is immune to life’s trials.  

In my life God has used people to minister to and touch my life in ways that are down right amazing.   If I waited for someone to come along who is walking in shoes similar to mine, I would still be waiting.

I was talking with a co-worker today and mentioned that in my life right now I am pre-menopausal, dealing with the empty nest syndrome and coming to grips with my mom’s diagnosis of dementia.  (Currently my mom is spending a few weeks here.)  I also told her that I was sure that the purpose of all of this happening at the same time was not an attempt to drive me over the top. 

She laughed with me (sometimes it really helps to not take yourself so seriously) and said  something along the lines of “well, if you ended up at the mental ward that would probably mean that someone there needed help.” 

That is the key right there.  Much of the time it really isn’t about me. 

I remember crying with my friend whose parent was battling dementia/alzheimer’s.   I couldn’t truly understand then, but I could share in her tears.  I am so glad that I didn’t try to come up with a whole bunch of pat answers.  There really are no answers.   Now I have a whole bunch of questions, but still there are no answers. 

I saw another friend this weekend who (even though her kids are all still young and at home) understands in her heart how very hard it will be when they are gone. 

I don’t have to be living in the someone’s situation to extend compassion.   Someone doesn’t have to have experienced the ‘same thing’ in order for God to use them to minister to me. 

When it rains sometimes it pours.   Yet it is that very rain that causes growth. 

Which always reminds me of this song.  Great pictures too!

If it never never rains, then we’ll never never grow.

til next time