perimenopause

It is sometimes referred to as the change before the change.

A couple of years ago I found myself in uncharted territory.  My energy level barely registered.  Yet my responsibilities and commitments continued to increase.  Things other people had committed to do but were unable to do (for one reason or another) fell back into my lap.

Picking up the slack is just a part of who I was.  It was one of the hats I wore as a PW.  Adding things to my plate was the norm.  Seeing things that needed to be done or should be done just came  natural to me.  Multitasking was an art form that I had  mastered.

BUT

Things were changing.  I couldn’t seem to get it together.  The pressures of all the various things on my plate seemed to be suffocating me.

Looking back now I realize that I was entering perimenopause.

Perimenopause….

Some women state that they had no symptoms and sailed right thru.  How?  Only God knows.  Sadly it is not my experience.

Here are a few symptoms:  irregular bleeding, problem sleeping, weight gain, hot flashes, bladder control weakness, mood changes, sudden tears, night sweats, fatigue, hair loss, difficult concentration (brain fog), memory lapses, dizziness, bloating, allergies, brittle nails, changes in odor, irregular heartbeat, depression, anxiety, irritability, panic disorder, breast pain, headaches (migraines), joint pain, burning tongue, electric shocks, digestive problems, gum problems, muscle tension, itchy skin, tingling extremities……….

Brain fog is the hardest for me personally.  With all the various things I have going on, multitasking was a huge part of my life.  Brain fog and multitasking mix about as well as oil and water.

I have it on good authority that the brain fog will lift.

So I wait.

While I am waiting:

I will continue to fight the symptoms with prayer and praise.

I will look for ways to reduce multitasking in my life.  One way I have done this is to release myself from helping with the set up of all activities held at the church and the need to be the last one to leave said activities.  In the past 20 years there were but a handful of times that I left an event while clean up was still going on. (All but one of those times has been in the last two years.)

While I am waiting

I will remind myself to take a deep breath.  When pressure increases – breathing can tend to become shallow.  Three deep breaths helps me to focus.

I will extend grace and mercy to those around me who don’t understand.  I will guard my heart.  (Proverbs 4:23)  I will dig deeper into the Word.  When people say things that are hurtful and my hormones are all over the place, I will remember that “nothing shall offend me.”  (Psalm 119:165)

I will be mindful to not do or say something that later I will need to apologize for.  “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable.” (Psalm 19:14)

This starts at home.  Perimenopause can certainly be a trial for my husband.  After all, I don’t understand what is going on – so how could he?

His wife, who used to be able to handle so many things all at once, now at times can’t seem to handle getting supper on the table.  His wife, who one minute is the confident women he married, the next minute is crying over something so very insignificant.

Perimenopause

I am trying to embrace this period of my life.  Yet I wonder at times ‘who is this woman?’

While I am waiting:

I will hold tightly to the King of Kings.  Jesus will bring me through this season of change.  I am confident that all of this will make me more sensitive to the needs of others and more like Jesus.  In my weakness, He is strong.

So to all you women who find that you have entered the peri -cycle – know that you are not alone. Know that this too shall pass.  Be kind to yourself.  Recognize that you may not be able to do everything you could before AND that is ok.

Extend grace and mercy to others for truly you will need some yourself.

And remember that God is an ever-present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

til next time

this past week -

This past week-

I have put together all of the receipts, forms, and information for our tax guy.  This is no small feat.  As ministers, Uncle Sam allows us to take advantage of what is called a housing allowance.  The important thing about this allowance is that we have to document everything and all the receipts have to equal more than the allowance.  In addition, both my husband and I are considered self-employed with our jobs at the church and then we also have jobs where we are considered employees.  What that boils down to is lots and lots of paperwork.

In this past week-

I was blessed to spend Thursday night through Saturday evening with five great women.  That alone would be wonderful but it is made even better because I call these women my friends!!  It was  girl time.  It was God time.  It just doesn’t get any better than laughing and crying with your girlfriends.  In amongst all the fun was the knowledge that God is doing some awesome things.

In this past week -

my son made a trip to MN on his bike.  On the way home he broke down and his brother and friends had to trailer his bike home.

Here is what happened.  On his way home Saturday night he had an experience that could have turned out so much different.  Tooling down the highway at 80 mph (he did not learn that from his mom or dad) his bike shut off.  As it was slowing down he managed to get it to start again.   However, there was still a problem.  His bike shut off and this time the back tire locked up.  Praise God he wasn’t going 80 when that happened.   He managed to keep it upright and get it safely off the road.  I know he had help from above!   Also God sent an officer  who told him that even though the exit was only a mile ahead, the nearest town was 7 or 8 miles beyond that exit.  He gave Chris a ride in the opposite direction to a truck stop where he could eat and watch a movie while he waited a few hours for the guys to get there.  Isn’t God good!!!

In this past week -

I have been lacking adequate sleep.  I am so grateful to God that I can place my kids in His care and sleep.  Yes, even though it was 9:30 at night when Andrew left to get Chris, I slept wonderfully.  Of course before falling asleep I did have to ask Curt to pray with me twice -  Not because God didn’t hear us the first time but because I was still bound up with worry and fear.

In this past week -

I went to my first tea party (complete with real tea cups) to celebrate a precious little girl’s birthday. Maggie keeps me in stitches and gives me plenty of hugs.  While blowing out the candle on her cake she wished for another tea party soon.  How precious is that?

In this past week -

while I absolutely loved the tea party, it did stir up some emotions in me that I haven’t had to deal with in quite a while.  (Before we got married, my friends made sure that Curt agreed to 12 kids.  Yes 12!  Ever since I can remember I wanted a large family.) The fact that even with the doctors help, we were unable to have any more children is something I have had to come to terms with.  Most of the time I am fine with that and always I am very grateful for my twins.

I know how blessed I am!

Other times though, something is said and I am reminded of just how deeply I longed for a girl or I get a glimpse of what it would have been like to have a bunch of kids.  and Bam!  Pow! – there is that old desire with renewed strength and must now be dealt with again or it shall surely steal my joy.  Once in a while I am caught off guard and this past week I had to deal with that ache in my heart on a couple of occasions.  God tenderly and lovingly heals the heart that hurts.

This past week -

the challenge to stick to water as my only beverage was tested.  So far so good. 

This past week -

I heard from my brother and the time has come when they will no longer be taking care of our mom who is battling dementia.  We have three months.  The emotional roller coaster is trying to start-up again.  Truth is I have no clue what the right thing to do is.

This past week -

has been an example to me of the goodness of God.  In the midst of whatever we face, good or bad, God’s peace is ours if we will just accept it and let God be in control.

This coming week -

is in God’s hands.

til next time

what if – how does

Ok so the “what if’s” and the “how does” have gotten the better of me tonight.  My brain seems to swimming in so many directions all at once that I thought I better try to get some sort of order back into my thinking before I head back to work tomorrow.

How does a healthy 50-year-old man, who works out 4 days a week, end up winded after running two laps at the gym?  Three weeks ago he ran 10 miles.  The doctor said to continue doing what you normally do and so he did.  Then he failed his second stress test.

Here is what we know.  The left side of the heart is weaker than it should be.  Upon watching the ultrasound we both could see that the valves on the left side did not look like the valves on the right side.  What does this mean?  I don’t know but I know that it doesn’t look like the picture of a healthy heart.  I know that I could only see one valve but the tech said he saw the 4th one.

Sometimes having knowledge at your fingertips can be not so good.  What if he has to have a valve replaced?

Today he went to go running and said that he felt great.  Great for the first lap.  The second lap found him winded.  How does that happen?

Driving became an issue this week-end.  He has always done the driving.  We have a great arrangement.  He drives.  I get to read, crochet, sleep, …..  When we entered into the cities he was having focus issues – it’s a 6 hour drive.   He has driven up and back the same day many times with no problems.  How does this happen so quickly?

This concerned him.  What if he passed out?  What if…….  At one point I should have had him pull over but I was pretty much in denial.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the thought that driving was causing issues.   How does this happen?

However, on the way home, he drove for an hour then I drove, and so forth.  It also helped that we ended up spending the night at a hotel part way home.    

He let me know that he has been having pressure issues.  I’ve told him that I want to know when.   Maybe that wasn’t a great idea.  He is having them way more than I realized.  How does this happen?

October 15th has changed our lives.  This was the day he passed out and we spent the night at the hospital.  What if it happens again?  Oh wait, it did.  He failed the tilt table test and for the second time passed out in front of me.  His heart flat lined.  I don’t even have the words to fully explain what that was like.  That makes twice now that I have seen him look dead.    What if there is a next time?

I am trying to remain calm and full of faith.  Did I mention that I am perimenopausal and my stress level was off the charts before this all happened?  How does God think I can deal with this?  What if I can’t?

I so badly wanted to talk to my mom about this.  I called her and she was glad to hear from me.  Then she asked who all was  in my family and where was I living?  We have been in the same town for 20 years this February.  How does she go so quickly through the stages of dementia?  What if she doesn’t remember who I am?  How do I deal with this? I just want my momma to tell me it is going to be ok.

So those are some of the what ifs and how does questions that are bouncing around in my head.

Now for what I know to be true.  I know that God does not give us more than we can handle.  I know that left up to me, I certainly wouldn’t want to handle anything tough.  I know that God is in control.  I know that even in this, I can believe Him and trust Him.  I know that trials make you stronger.  I know that this too shall pass.  I know that on the 9th of December we will have some answers.  I know that God already knows.

Most importantly — I know that people are praying for us.  This is a good thing because all I can do when I go to pray about this is cry.  Ah, but I know that God understands my tears and He hears my heart.

I also know that I have listened to this song a lot lately.  Music does help!

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm!

til next time

problem/solution – which one are you?

Maybe it is because my husband is going to the cardiologist tomorrow.  Maybe it is because the last 7 months have been more intense than any other time in my life.  Maybe it is because I am in the midst of peri-menopause.  Or maybe it is just because I am fed up with the enemy stirring up strife and using willing people.

Whatever it is – this is not my usual blogger post.

If you read my blog with any regularity you will know that I love God, love life and am striving to love and encourage people to do the same.

This blog is intended to make you think about whether you are part of the problem or part of the solution.

1 Thessalonians 5:12-13

¹²But we request of you, brethren, that you appreciate those who diligently labor among you, and have charge over you in the Lord and give you instruction, ¹³and that you esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Live in peace with one another.

Yet there are people who seem to think this doesn’t apply to them and that they are free to tear down their pastor and/or church.  Someone in leadership (whether it is the worship leader, youth pastor, lead pastor, pastors wife or someone else in leadership) is fair game for their critical spirit.

So here is the deal, if something is going on that you feel is not good, then go to your pastor and talk with him/her about it.   I don’t know how often I find myself repeating this to people who don’t even attend church with me.

Here is the other deal.  Most people who gripe just want to gripe and get others to join them.  They don’t really  want to be a part of the solution.

If you call yourself a Christian and yet find yourself tearing down the work of God   –  Shame on you.

If all you do is grumble about whatever it is that you think someone should be doing,  should not be doing, didn’t do right or didn’t do it how you wanted it done, - to anyone that will listen — shame on you.

Let me say that another way.  If you are not willing to step up and help than at least be supportive of those who are trying to do something.  Sure “maybe” you could do it better, but those who grumble are generally not those who take action.

If you are tearing down your church and/or pastor and think it is not a big deal or it isn’t really hurting anyone -  you are mistaken.   You are buying into yet another lie from the enemy.

It can and does hinder the work of God.

Either you can remain part of the problem or you can become part of the solution.

If you remain part of the problem remember that God does not view grumbling and back biting lightly.

If you are the person to whom they are griping to — please don’t let your silence be taken as agreement.  You can offer to go with them to speak to the pastor.  You can encourage them to get involved.  You can turn the focus around to something good that is going on.  Don’t let their critical spirit rub off on you by doing nothing.

Please don’t be a willing participant used by the enemy to stir up strife.

til next time

waiting……..

  ”Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.”    Plato  

Every where I look there are people facing mountains.  Some of them are really huge.  Others may not seem huge to me, but then again I am not facing that particular thing, nor do I have all the details.  Sometimes it is the combination of a million little things that pushes us to the edge. 

 ”…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”  (Psalm 30:5)   Oh, but sometimes it seems as if the ‘morning’ is never going to get here.   

How long?      

I feel Your presence

yet the storm roars.

I think I’m ok …

only to plunge once more.

 

In my head

I know You are there.

In my heart

I know You care.

 

How much longer though,

will this go on?

When will the night end?

Where is the dawn?

 

While the storm rages

To You O Lord I cling.

The morning IS coming

when again my heart will sing.

 

I continue to trust Your Word.

You are working things out.

You are in control,

of this there is no doubt.

Have you noticed that there are a number of songs out now that deal with facing hard trials?   I love this one by Mark Schultz.  Here is just a portion of it.   

Love has come

I know this life is filled with sorrow.  And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts.  But I know there will come a day when all my tears are washed away. With a break in the clouds and His glory coming down.  Every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that God is love and love has come for us all.  Every heart set free, everyone will see that God is love and love has come for us all. 

  Or this one by Casting Crowns “Praise You in this storm.”    

I was sure  by now that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away.  Stepped in to save the day.  But once again I say Amen and it’s still raining. ….  I praise You in this storm.   I will lift hands, You are who You are, no matter where I am.  Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand.  You never left my side and though my heart is torn  –I will praise You in this storm.   

I find myself  ‘waiting’.  Waiting for:   the storm to end, the rain to stop, the  emotional roller coaster of perimenopause to cease, life to slow down, problems to disappear, pain to be gone,  a day when all goes right (had to throw that one in),  and on and on it goes.  Yet life is messy and complicated – always has been and always will be.   Somewhere along the way I forgot a key element.   

In acceptance lieth peace. 

My life is in the hands of the Almighty God, the creator of the universe.  If He allows it then there is a reason – I may never know what that is but truly that is not important.  God is in control.  I am not.

So for today I am going to practice acceptance of what comes my way with expectation that God has a plan and He will work things out His way.

til next time

 

 

 

something has to change

Any of these sound familiar?

Something has got to change!

I don’t know how much longer I can do this?

All I do is work, work, work.

How much more of this can I take?

I don’t have time for me.

Or maybe something a bit more spiritual -

God does not call  His children to burn out.

This is not the abundant life the Bible talks about.

I must be doing something right cuz the devil won’t leave me alone.

Ok, so I have said all of the above at one time or another.  

Long about last April hubby found me starting to use the phrase “Something has got to change”  quite a bit. 

I am all about getting into the solution not wallowing in the problem.  Yet I hadn’t a clue what that solution was, so I found myself wallowing.   Some days were much more difficult than others – pretty much that is how life is.  Good days – not so good days.

I chalked it up to pre-menopausal issues.  It was a viable excuse.  Yet I have heard that this (menopause) can go on for years.  I certainly did not want to  battle such emotional days – at least not in the ineffective way that I found myself dealing with them. 

I began to look at peace very closely.  During my menopausal days it was my peace that was out of whack.  Stress level high – peace level low.

A few months back I begin to entertain the idea of going part-time at work.  It would open up some much needed time.  Yet I didn’t want to give up sick time, holiday pay, etc.   I couldn’t see past the NEED for my income so I brushed it off, gave myself a good pep talk and carried on.

One day at work (happened to be working on my day off)  it was like God removed the blinders to my problem and clarity landed.  Looking back I think He was trying to do that all along, but it didn’t make sense to me and so I would brush it off.   

Finally it became crystal clear that I was working too much.  I am older now (ugh I never thought I’d use such a sentence) but it is true.  So with age should come maturity. You’d think with all this maturity I would remember that God does things His way.

It still did not make sense to me – oh it was clear alright just didn’t work out  on paper.  In fact, it made even less sense because Curt’s salary has been drastically reduced the last 3 months.  My income is needed now more than ever.  Yet, it was crystal clear to me.  A weight had been lifted.   I would talk with doctor about going part-time.

In making that decision many other issues were also settled.  It was kind of like a domino effect.   It can be easy to get out of balance.  For me it is always in the area of ‘doing too much’.    It is true, by the way, God does not want His kids to burn out.

I had my review last week.  It was amazing.   All I can say is that God showed up and handled it.  (I am grateful that I work for a boss who also loves God).  He did ask me to give him one more week as full-time.  That was a hard week because I wanted to shout it from the rafters, but I knew that he needed to be the one to tell my supervisor. 

Today I go to work and he has indeed talked with my supervisor so now it is official.  My first week as a part timer.  Yes, I have been doing a happy dance. 

How will the budget work out?  I don’t know, but I know God and He will make a way.  I guess this is my next step of faith in the journey of life.

til next time

when it rains….

There are people who are determined to learn the hard way.  They insist on making all their own mistakes.  Learning from the mistakes of others does not even hit on their radar. 

I am not one of those people – nor have I ever been one of those people.

There are people who think that if you haven’t personally experienced exactly what they are going through then you can’t possibly understand.  If you haven’t ‘been there’ then you just don’t know how very hard it is. 

I am not one of those people either.  Maybe in my teens and early 20′s I might have been.  I do know that if I was, then I have grown out of that way of thinking. 

Everyone has problems.  No one is immune to life’s trials.  

In my life God has used people to minister to and touch my life in ways that are down right amazing.   If I waited for someone to come along who is walking in shoes similar to mine, I would still be waiting.

I was talking with a co-worker today and mentioned that in my life right now I am pre-menopausal, dealing with the empty nest syndrome and coming to grips with my mom’s diagnosis of dementia.  (Currently my mom is spending a few weeks here.)  I also told her that I was sure that the purpose of all of this happening at the same time was not an attempt to drive me over the top. 

She laughed with me (sometimes it really helps to not take yourself so seriously) and said  something along the lines of “well, if you ended up at the mental ward that would probably mean that someone there needed help.” 

That is the key right there.  Much of the time it really isn’t about me. 

I remember crying with my friend whose parent was battling dementia/alzheimer’s.   I couldn’t truly understand then, but I could share in her tears.  I am so glad that I didn’t try to come up with a whole bunch of pat answers.  There really are no answers.   Now I have a whole bunch of questions, but still there are no answers. 

I saw another friend this weekend who (even though her kids are all still young and at home) understands in her heart how very hard it will be when they are gone. 

I don’t have to be living in the someone’s situation to extend compassion.   Someone doesn’t have to have experienced the ‘same thing’ in order for God to use them to minister to me. 

When it rains sometimes it pours.   Yet it is that very rain that causes growth. 

Which always reminds me of this song.  Great pictures too!

If it never never rains, then we’ll never never grow.

til next time

i got your back

A lot has been written about friendship.  There are plenty of books on the subject.  As far as that goes there are plenty of opinions about just what is friendship.

For me this pretty much sums it up. ” A friend loves at all times”   Proverbs 17:17.  Pretty straight forward, fairly simple, yet its meaning runs deep.                 

             

I absolutely love this picture.  What you can’t tell by looking at the picture is that we are laughing.  I can only imagine what it looked like as Tonya attempted to get this shot.  (yea for timers)  Good times!

As you can tell by our hair the wind is blowing.  This is quite symbolic for me because in life it can get a bit breezy or even down right windy.   I value friendships — I am grateful for those in my life who have my back.

I am blessed in my life to have people who love me no matter what.  This has been tested a bit more lately as I have entered into the nether world of pre- menopause.  Which, by the way, seems to come in tidal waves — or at times it may even be considered a tsunami.   Really trying not to make excuses but also trying to stay in the truth.  It is not a walk in the park — this entering into the next stage of life.  

Through the good times and the bad times, through laughter and through tears,  rejoicing with one another and travailing in prayer for each other — that’s just what friends are. 

To each one of you that has and is impacting my life — thank you.  I am blessed.

til next time

living life on the fast track

So sometimes it seems like life is similar to a snow ball that starts at the top of a great big hill and then begins to journey downward.  It gains speed and gets bigger as it rolls downward.  The bigger it gets, there just seems to be no stopping it. 

Vacations are a great way to put the brakes on that giant tangled snowball.

Ah, but making it until vacation can be tough.

Then there is the anticipation  that can derail a perfectly good vacation.  Did you know that one’s  expectation can easily reach beyond the scoop of reality.   For that matter just the reduction of stress can cause a whole host of new problems. 

However, long about the end of January I began talking with Curt about getting away.  Between the whole menopausal issues and just plain too stinking busy I wanted a get a way. 

Oh I got one – Curt’s father died and we spent a week a way.  Be careful what you say.  I wanted a break not a stress induced coma!  Praise God that He is there to help. (I did some blogging on that – check it out by clicking here)

Two weeks ago (one weekend before vacation) we find ourselves headed to a little blip in northern MN for the burial of Curt’s dad’s ashes.  The cemetery is connected with the church (which is literally in the middle of nowhere) and they don’t do digging in the winter – thus  the trip in the summer. 

It was truly beautiful country.  We certainly saw a lot of it.  We were in the van for 25 hours in less than a 72 hour time frame.  There were times that we really really wanted to be done driving.

We packed as much as possible in what few hours we weren’t riding in the van.  Friday night we had supper with Chris, Galina,  my sister, her family, and  my mom.

         

The high light was getting to spend Friday night at Chris’ apartment.  We picked up a  movie at Red box.  I promptly fell asleep.  It was just like home.  I loved it.   Here is Chris and Galina in his apartment.

              

Curt and I had a few short moments to take in the beauty of the northern woods.  Curt did the grave site service.  I am so very proud of him.

We all took a trip to the old home place.  It was really neat to traipse around – that is until Kristen found a tick on me.  Yup I was so done   What was I thinking?  The grass was knee high and perfect for ticks.  Found another one on my leg as we were leaving.  Oh I hate ticks!

Here is Grandma and grand kids in front of the farmstead.

        

On the return trip home we picked up Galina and had lunch at Ruby Tuesdays with her family.  The first of many lunches I am sure

It was a very full weekend!

Then it was work one more week during the day and go hither thither and yon each evening.   Our life as a ministry family has certainly never been boring. 

At last it was vacation time.  More on that week later – I’ll just say for now that it was great!! 

We got home from vacation on Saturday and as all Pastor families know – Sunday is the busiest day of the week.  I do think that next year I will try to not plan the church picnic on the Sunday we get back.    Although it was a very relaxing time.  It’s just that I am not unpacked nor ready for work tomorrow.  Life rolls on……

life on the fast track — have to remind myself that life is really about the journey 

til next time

when thoughts are not fit to be spoken

Sometimes, many times, our thoughts are not fit to be spoken.  The problem comes in when we end up and speak them anyway.  I am discovering a whole new level of  the scripture – “Be still and know that I am God”   

Psalm118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Making that choice can be a challenge some days.  Although a challenge that is by far worth the effort.

 A picture paints a thousand words right?  See this picture??  Now think menopausal!!  It pretty much looks like how I feel much of the time these days.

Or how about this picture?  It could depict much of my battle with this ‘new adventure’.    

I do try to stay focused on whatsoever things are good, lovely, pure…..  I know that God will not allow more than I can handle with Him by my side.  I know that He is able to do more than I can dream.  I know that He is very much aware of all that is going on.  I know these things and still sometimes it gets the better of me for awhile.  

The thing I have noticed is that if I can remain silent and not give words to my thoughts, it passes much quicker.  Believe me I am all about it passing quickly.  This has reminded me that thoughts are just that –  thoughts.  The Bible tells us to take our thoughts captive.  By speaking out my thoughts I open a door for more of the same thoughts. 

Instead if I be still and rest in the knowledge that God is indeed God.  If I focus on scripture like this one- “May the God of hope fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in Him so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (personalizing Rom 15:13)  Oh, those thoughts are so much better.  Those thoughts speak life into my situation and those thoughts are fit to be spoken. 

One day this too shall pass and I will be soaring as the eagles.

til next time  (thanks Tonya for the use of the pics — I love em)