growing old or just growing?
Life is what happens while you are making other plans. How true that is.
I’ve been thinking about growing old. It kind of sneaks up on a person.
age 7 or 8 — I am playing football on the road in front of our house. I didn’t think about just how stupid that was. That is until I skinned up my knee. Ouch! The scar has gotten smaller with age. The memory of the event, quite possibly, has grown with age.
age 16 -17 — Ah, freedom! I have a license to drive. The world is my playground. OK, maybe not the world, but certainly a 25 mile radius!
Choices were all around me. As I look back I clearly see the hand of God protecting me on lots of occasions. i.e. My boyfriend, who was taking me to my Junior prom, ended up in jail for drug possession one week before prom. Try explaining that one to your God-fearing, church going, loving parents. Truth is I did not know that he was selling. (It did explain some questions that I had. Like how he could afford his Cadillac and the fact that he always seemed to have money.)
That whole process made me very aware of the importance of relationships and the company you keep.
age 26 – 27 I have married my best friend and we have the most adorable twin boys. Life has taken on a whole new dimension. Again the hand of God is evident in our lives over and over again. i.e. My sister, the boys and I were in her little red Pinto traveling down the highway when we hit a patch of ice. The car is sliding sideways down the road headed right for a vehicle that had stopped. Just as we were about to hit the other car, our car swerved around it. I can still see the driver’s eyes as we passed by. Think what you want, but I know that it was God.
age 37-38 The boys are growing up and it is time for me to take the next step in my life. I went through the process required to be an official minister. At that time the church was going through some issues. I was stretched in ways that I had not been familiar with before. Again the hand of God in my life. Sometimes He works in miraculous ways. Other times He takes our hand and walks us through.
the 40′s found us empty nesters for a while. That was harder than I imagined. Big changes took place. God walked us through. It is exciting to see the men that our boys have turned into. Why does it seem like just yesterday we were playing trucks or reading books together?
I am truly enjoying having my son and daughter live with us while they are in transition. It is a new chapter in all our lives. The house is bustling with activity once again.
Life marches on and truly waits for no man.
I am approaching that 50 mark. Some days I just don’t know how that can possibly be. Then there are other days.
Lately I have been aware of how people older than I behave. I have said on many occasions, usually at work, that I do not want to be like that when I grow up. Then I think of my Opal. She turned 100 last year. I want to be like her when I grow up. She is proof that you don’t have to be cantankerous and unhappy as you age.
Growing old does kind of sneak up on you. I am grateful that through all the years God’s grace has been indeed more than enough. With each situation my faith grows.
I know this next decade will be an exciting journey.
til next time
ready or not
1, 2, 3, 4,……………..50 Ready or not here I come!!
Remember that childhood game of hide and seek? We would play it for hours. My favorite version was “kick the can” played at night. It didn’t matter if I was the one hiding or the one seeking. I loved it!
What I didn’t like was when the seeker would cheat and not count to 50.
Well ready or not the fall semester has begun. I am not ready. I don’t think that summer counted to 50. I want a count do over. ~~sigh~~
Along with pastoring, my husband is a professor. He started his classes yesterday. He is a great teacher. He wants the students to do well. He wants them to learn. That said it takes energy and effort on his part to do the job right. There is a cost involved with being bi-vocational.
This year it seems to be a bit harder for me to adjust to the change that teaching brings into our life. Maybe it is the season of life I find myself in. Maybe it is a test. Maybe a change is coming. Maybe I need to shift my focus.
Focus? Yes, I am sure I need to adjust my focus. I am not expected to do this on my own.
Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
His grace is enough. Where I am weak, He is strong. I am counting on that for I know that I don’t have the strength to keep this pace up. Yet in my weakness He will shine through. That’s His promise to me and His promise to you. When our lives are placed in His hands and life heats up, He is an ever present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)
His grace IS enough!
decisions
Decisions!
I make decisions every day. Some are of no big deal. Others are life altering.
Decisions?
I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t like to make decisions.
“Where do you want to go eat?” I really, most often, don’t care.
“What color do you want the church office?” It doesn’t matter to me as long as it matches the wall hangings. (I don’t want to decide or spend money on new pictures.)
Decisions?
Do we go have Diane work on my head?
We made the decision to drive 6 hours one way to have his sister work on my neck and head. I had botched the MRI and had to reschedule it. If Di could help, then maybe I wouldn’t have to go back to that devil place. Yet it was an extremely hard decision to make.
We had the time off already. The plan was to get away and have some serious R and R with no time restraints. Instead we loaded up and headed North.
Di worked on me for 1 1/2 hours on Thursday and 1 1/2 hours on Friday. Besides therapeutic massage she also did what is called CranioSacral therapy. This is not something I would have just anyone do or I could have found someone locally and not spent all those hours in the van.
Di had her work cut out for her. My head was a mess. Of course I knew this because I had been having ringing for three months and headaches for the past month.
My poor brain was locked up. Di referred to it as cement. On Friday I actually felt my brain shifting and moving. Di said that my brain was much happier now.
What I do know is that it feels better. I can tell a huge difference. My range of motion has increased monumentally. She also found some of the height that I had lost. Most importantly my head is no longer locked up tight.
She said my neck muscles would actually be tired from being required to support my head. That was so bizarre to me but it is true.
I would love to say that the ringing is completely gone. I can’t. What I can say it that last night I went to sleep without ringing and woke up many times with still no ringing. However, when I woke to get up, my head was ringing softly.
I have high hopes that it will continue to improve. After all my head went through a lot of changes and needs time to adjust to the new freedom that it now has.
Decisions?
On Friday I postponed my MRI until I have a chance to speak with the Dr again on Wednesday. I wonder what he will say about all of this?
Decisions?
I continue to ask God for healing and grace. He continues to be faithful to me.
til next time
are you missing it?
Today I was able to sit through the early service. I have heard numerous ministers throughout my life and there is no one I’d rather hear than my husband. I often tell him that my only regret (if you can call it that) is that there aren’t more people hearing him. Yet I leave that in God’s hands. He knows what He is doing.
We have a staffed nursery for second service. However, if there is a baby in first service who is struggling to sit quietly, it is my privilege to take him/her to the nursery and play with toys. While I was pleased to be able to sit in service it did mean that Wyatt was not there. I missed him.
When the boys were babies I would get them up, changed, fed, changed, dressed and hopefully out the door on time only to get to church and spend the entire service in the nursery.
For a stay at home mom this was not encouraging. I wanted/needed corporate praise and worship. Being able to find time in the word, while chasing after twins, was hit and miss. I wanted to soak up the preaching of the word. Yet I found myself in the nursery without even a speaker.
So that’s when I decided, that one day, when it was up to me, I would help mom’s get the most out of service.
Today’s word came from the book of Esther. I encourage you to read the whole book. It has only 10 chapters. It is a great story. (check out http://biblegateway.com )
Read Esther 4:13-14 For such a time as this!
Mordecai challenged Ester to think about why she was where she was at.
“God had a reason to place you in that palace and it wasn’t just to bless you by being Queen.”
God has a plan. It is not necessary that we know all that is going on, nor will we be able to understand it fully. God has placed each one of us right where we are. He has a plan.
Think about who we are and who God is.
We like to be able to control things, to have a say in what happens. Sometimes people even try to control God.
“God You have to…..”
“Um, no He doesn’t.”
There comes a point in which we reach the limits of our understanding.
Lord I don’t know what the future holds but Lord I trust You!
What does God expect from us? How should we live?
Read Micah 6:8
Do justly — learn what is the right thing to do and then do it. Search the scriptures. God will give us the wisdom that we need to be able to do right.
Love mercy — be willing to forgive. Mercy is when you have the power to exercise judgment on a person who has wronged you and you extend mercy – forgiveness. Love mercy — offer mercy.
Humbly walk with God – God wants us to have fellowship with Him. Day by day we can have a sense that God is with us. He is in control. We may not understand why or be able to control the situation but God loves us. It has not taken God by surprise. There are reasons we can’t begin to grasp.
We can trust and be obedient to the God who loves us. He is with us. He sees all and works in all situations to bring about His plan.
Trust Him!
I entitled this ‘are you missing it?” because God spoke to my heart today during this message about situations that I am facing. I so want Him to just remove the struggles and smooth the rough waters. I can become so focused on this that I miss the real miracle God is doing. He is using the struggles and the rough waters to bring about change in my life. Nothing causes me to dig deeper than pain.
“For such a time as this” God has me right where He wants me. His plan is one of goodness. God is Good!! I don’t want to miss it. I want to live every moment of it to the fullest. God is at work.
I will close with a song we sang this morning. “I can feel You flowing through me. Holy Spirit come and fill me up. Love and mercy fill my senses, I am thirsty for Your presence Lord. Come and fill me up”
What is God wanting to do with you and where He has you - at this moment?
til next time
now please! please? pretty please??
What do you do when you must make a decision and the choices are all unacceptable?
Do you pray about it?
Do you flip a coin?
Do you walk around in denial? (Denial is just making the choice to do nothing.)
Maybe you get mad and stomp your foot. (I haven’t found this technique to be very helpful.)
Dr. is still pretty hopeful that the ringing in my ears will stop completely. The inner ears are now fluid free and appear to be healthy. Yet the ringing rears its ugly head. It is the last thing I hear before going off to sleep and the first thing I hear when I wake up. It also randomly shows up.
It tests my patience, sanity, and emotions like nothing else has.
I do have longer periods of silence. Oh – Silence is golden. Each time finds me hoping this is it – no more ringing.
The next step?
I could go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor. Apparently there is this device that can produce a form of white noise that will actually counter the high-pitched noise I hear. (On the one hand, it is very impressive that they have this device. On the other hand, I don’t want something in my ear 24/7.) I could go have a CT scan. I could stay with physical therapy. I could stay on the medicine that I am taking. I could do nothing, but how long will I be able to do that?
I have often wondered, since this started, if it isn’t one more thing showing me that I still have room for improvement in my schedule and commitment department? Is it meant to teach me to slow down?
Choices.
As with other huge decisions, I have and will continue to pray about it. I do believe that God is a God who heals. I know that He will give to me grace to see me through until such time as the healing is complete.
I also know that I have room for growth. Sometimes it just seems to be too much and I feel like I have been thrown two steps backward. Other times, I have a ‘bring it on’ mentality. Maybe that is part of the plan – bringing those two sides into some sort of balance.
I wonder, what do other people do who have Eustachian tube dysfunction?
I am so ready for the ringing to stop. Now ppppllllleeeeaaassseeee! Please? Pretty please??
I am waiting.
I am waiting?
Yes, this is why I blog. Thank you God.
“I’m waiting. I’m waiting on You Lord, and I am hopeful. I’m waiting on You Lord, though it is painful but patiently I - will - wait.…”
If you have a moment – listen to this song. (It isn’t just about the movie or marriage. It is about life!)
Ahhh, God has spoken once again to me through music. I will wait!
You will need to click on the link to go to YouTube to watch it but it is worth the time.
Is there something that you are waiting for? While you wait – keep running the race. You can move ahead bold and confident as you take every step in obedience!! God is worthy of trust!
til next time
tested
I would think after my great revelation the other night (click here to read about it) that I would be doing so much better. My head is back on straight so whether or not my head is ringing shouldn’t be a big deal. Right?
Au contraire.
That is the thing about revelations — mine almost always get put through the fire. Whether it is a brand new revelation or a refresher of one that I have known, it doesn’t matter. It will be tested. That, my friend, is a big deal.
What happened?
Wednesday night was a turning point for me. I know – that I know – that I know that God’s grace will see me through this. Whether it ever gets better or not – God is there to help me deal with it. His grace is sufficient for me.
Thursday morning is my day to open the shop. I get there ready for whatever will come my way. I have my big girl boots on! It is going to be a great day! Attitude makes a difference.
At 7:10 I know that there is a problem. I try to tell my brain that it is ok. I am wondering if this new medication was a good idea. I try to focus on something – anything but at 7:21 (I’ve been there all of 33 minutes) I know I must give in and take the pill. The pill is an anti-anxiety pill.
The doctor tells me that my brain is confusing the signals from my inner ear. While there is a real problem going on, my brain registers that there is a greater risk than there really is. It sets off an all points bulletin alert that I am in grave danger.
I had waited to long (stupid mistake #1) but I really just didn’t want to take the stupid thing. After all there was no danger.
I called Curt. At first I just wanted him to call me in 10 minutes just to make sure I wasn’t passed out. (I was the only one in the office until 8:00) As I was talking to him though, I knew it was bad and asked him to come over.
He was there as fast as lightning. My hero! He stayed until others showed up. I can’t explain what it was like but I know now the horrors of a full blown anxiety attack. (Again this is something I sure didn’t have to experience to realize that it is horrible – sigh)
I was feeling better by 8:00 so I stayed at work. (This was stupid mistake #2 of the day.) The new medicine the doctor put me on will cause some drowsiness. The anti-anxiety pill will also cause drowsiness. Combining them… well let’s just say that by 1:30 that afternoon I wasn’t sure about much.
The realization hit that I really should be in bed. I sure didn’t want to take another pill for this new attack that was lurking in the shadows and messing with my brain and heart.
I had to get home and get to bed. For someone with a highly driven mentality, this was most frustrating. However, I wasn’t going to make yet one more mistake. Knowing your limitations is a healthy thing.
I sure don’t understand why this is happening. I don’t know when it will be better. I do know that ‘It is what it is’. I will continue to trust God, knowing He has a reason and a plan. I will continue to pray for grace to see me through until the healing is complete.
I love this song. If you have time, listen to it.
“When my head starts to ring, when my head starts to ring, when my head starts to ring give me Jesus. Give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world just give me Jesus.”
Whatever you are facing — God is so very much bigger. He has a plan. Trust Him! Hold on to Him. He will see you through. You are not alone.
So this morning I go head back to work wearing my big girl boots. It’s gonna be a great day. Why? Because God is still God!
til next time
will the buzzing stop?
So tonight I was thinking what if it never gets better? Then what? Generally this is not a good game to play. The game of ‘what if’. However, tonight it resulted in a turning point.
It has been over a month now that I have been dealing with this high-pitched ringing in my head. Sometimes it sounds kind of like a vacuum cleaner. Lately it has been this very high-pitched buzzing noise.
Last night it was extremely loud. It pretty much consumed me.
So what to do? I got on-line and googled my symptoms again. This time I did a very in depth search. Big mistake!
If you want to have the bee geebers scared out of you, forget scary movies, just put any symptoms you are currently dealing with into a google search. It is frightening. It will be a long time before I do that again. Eeeck!
Oh the things that could be going on.
Then as if that wasn’t enough, it dawned on me that when I went to the doctor the first time I had told him that I had been dealing with this for about a week and a half. I grabbed my December calendar (physical therapy has been asking me if I had done anything different….) Well, 10 days before my appointment with the doctor I had been to the chiro. Everything was out of whack including my neck. Can it have anything to do with this?
So I googled that too. Big mistake. Do you know what can happen to you when you have your neck ‘cracked’? I wish I didn’t know.
I mentioned my chiro visit to my doctor today and asked him if that could be causing the ringing? He raised an eyebrow and didn’t give me an answer. Hmmmm.
Instead, he gave me one more prescription to speed up the process. He is convinced that I have what’s called eustachian tube dysfunction. He is confident that it will go away. Physical therapy is helping. So I will continue with that.
I have actually had time where there was no ringing. It was wonderful. Background noise is so over rated.
However, it has not lasted. Occasionally I have light-headedness also. There are times I truly think I am going to go off the deep end. The doctor gave me medication for that too.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever faced. The realization of that truth tonight has helped me turn the corner. What if it doesn’t get better? What if this is as good as it gets?
I have begged God. I have laid it at His feet. I’ve quoted scripture. I have tried to make a deal with Him. This last one I am sure was quite funny to God.
What if this is my cross to bear? What if, for reasons only God can know, this is exactly how it is to be right now?
Wait, that’s it.
Ah …yes… there is my faith again.
This did not take God by surprise. He was not off on vacation and just got back to find me in this horrible place. No, He has been there all along. Somehow, someway, (again for reasons only God can know right now) this is what it is. Yes, IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!
How have I forgotten that?
It is what it is.
I can’t change it — no matter how much I desire it to change. On my own I can’t even change the way I deal with it. I can let God help me change the way I deal with it.
I am grateful to all who have prayed for me. I asked for prayer tonight at Bible study. I asked for healing and for the grace needed to deal with this until the healing is complete.
God will give me grace. He will see me through this trial. That is what He does. I will come through it a better person because now my eyes and ears are once again focused on God and not the distraction that is going on in my head.
Will it be easy? No. Please keep praying.
til next time
january 16, 2010
Wow, another week gone by already. Time for my 3rd sermon notes blog. (Click here to read more)
I started doing this to help out a friend who has to miss church due to work. While I do feel that this is worth my time and it is beneficial, there is so much that is lacking from just reading my notes. For instance, I am only sharing the notes on the message. The worship time is a vital part of the service. Ed takes us boldly to the throne of grace and leads by example what it means to worship at the feet of Jesus.
Today there were numerous testimonies of what God is doing in the lives of His people. Praise God!!
Gary sang a song today that he and Joan wrote. It was a powerful song. I am not sure what the title is but it could be “Make me a better man”. This was the theme throughout the song. It led right into Pastor’s message.
So grab your Bible, as I won’t be posting all of the scriptures. I feel that it is important to look the scriptures up in your own Bible – to stay familiar with the love letter that God has given to us. (If you don’t have a Bible let me know.)
Read Colossians 4:6
Why the concern about what we say? Words can be powerful; they can have an impact on others. We must learn to speak with grace.
“Is your speech gracious?”
Read Proverbs 18:21
Our words have tremendous impact.
“With our words we can encourage someone or we can crush them. Do our words bring life or death?’
Read Colossians 3:8-9 “words that bring death”
People get angry. Words spoken in anger can bring great pain. Things are said that should not be said. Malice is going past the point of anger — now you want to hurt someone. Then there is lying and profanity. These seem to be common in our society.
How do we change this?
Scripture tells us that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. As we allow God to mold us and make us, as He is working in us, we will more and more be directed by His Spirit. Our language will change.
“I served in the Marine Corps and if I can clean up my language – then so can you!”
We are called to a higher standard.
Read 2 Corinthians 12:19-21 — Identifying death
Words of death bring contention, strife, arguing, backbiting and whispering.
“We can rip apart a church, work place, family…. by the words we say.“
Gossip – saying something about someone that makes them look bad.
“Like your momma always said, or if your momma never told you, then I’m telling you, ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”
Colossians 3:16-17 — Words of life
Are the words we are speaking encouraging? Does Christ approve of the things we are saying? Or would we want God to “plug” His ears?
Let us use our words for edification, instruction, for the good.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
We are called to build one another up, not tear down each other.
Words of life bring comfort.
“May we learn to recognize the difference, not just recognize the difference, but cultivate the words of life. What a different place our world would be if more and more of us would speak the words of life.”
Let us seek to eliminate words of death from our conversation. Let’s replace them with words of life.
We all have room to grow in our ability to speak with grace.
till next time
journey
It’s been over a week since I made the life changing decision that rushing was no longer going to be a daily part of my life. I would like to eliminate it completely from my life. However, I will settle for just not having it be a constant companion.
I recently received Francesca Battistelli’s CD. “Free to Be Me” is a great song. It pretty much describes my life when I was 20.
Wait, what am I saying? It is a great song for my life right now. I’m still trying to put the pieces together. I am trying to avoid a mid-life crisis. Perfection is my enemy, I have a tendency to be clumsy, and most important God still has great plans for me. I am free to be me.
Ah, but I am not 20 anymore.
In fact, I recently had a birthday. It was a great time for reflection. Am I where God wants me, doing what He wants, and living the abundant life that He has for me? Great questions to ponder.
I remember one year really struggling with the word abundant. Just what is the abundant life that God talks about in His Word? At that time it sure didn’t seem to describe my life. Now, I’ve come to realize that it has much more to do with the heart than material things. Ah, but that is for another blog.
Francesca sings another song “Beautiful“. She sings about how God looks at us and sees who we can be — making life beautiful.
The thing I have noticed most in this last week is that rushing/hurrying were tools used to hinder the enjoyment of my life. The thing I regret is that I didn’t do this sooner. Yet I know that God will take that regret and make something useful out of it.
Some songs really resonate with me. “Beautiful” is one of those.
“…. mercy reaching to save me…..”
God’s mercy does reach out to save me, especially from myself.
“…there’s a joy inside I can’t contain, but even perfect days can end in rain…“
The biggest difference I have noticed is my joy is back. It’s like my joy was buried under the heavy schedule that I ran with.
“I have come undone, but I have just begun – changing by your grace….”
God is always at work in my life. By His grace is the only way I know how to change.
What is God trying to do in your life? Say yes! It is an amazing journey! A journey that I am taking time to enjoy and not just rush through.
Here is the song “Beautiful”
Enjoy the journey!!
til next time
About
Welcome to my fish bowl!
Things that matter to me are: God, family, friends, helping people, taking time to really live in the moment, and trying to slow down in a fast paced world.
To find out more click here.
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