Living Life in a Fish Bowl!

Gloria’s take on life.

what if – how does

Ok so the “what if’s” and the “how does” have gotten the better of me tonight.  My brain seems to swimming in so many directions all at once that I thought I better try to get some sort of order back into my thinking before I head back to work tomorrow.

How does a healthy 50-year-old man, who works out 4 days a week, end up winded after running two laps at the gym?  Three weeks ago he ran 10 miles.  The doctor said to continue doing what you normally do and so he did.  Then he failed his second stress test.

Here is what we know.  The left side of the heart is weaker than it should be.  Upon watching the ultrasound we both could see that the valves on the left side did not look like the valves on the right side.  What does this mean?  I don’t know but I know that it doesn’t look like the picture of a healthy heart.  I know that I could only see one valve but the tech said he saw the 4th one.

Sometimes having knowledge at your fingertips can be not so good.  What if he has to have a valve replaced?

Today he went to go running and said that he felt great.  Great for the first lap.  The second lap found him winded.  How does that happen?

Driving became an issue this week-end.  He has always done the driving.  We have a great arrangement.  He drives.  I get to read, crochet, sleep, …..  When we entered into the cities he was having focus issues – it’s a 6 hour drive.   He has driven up and back the same day many times with no problems.  How does this happen so quickly?

This concerned him.  What if he passed out?  What if…….  At one point I should have had him pull over but I was pretty much in denial.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around the thought that driving was causing issues.   How does this happen?

However, on the way home, he drove for an hour then I drove, and so forth.  It also helped that we ended up spending the night at a hotel part way home.    

He let me know that he has been having pressure issues.  I’ve told him that I want to know when.   Maybe that wasn’t a great idea.  He is having them way more than I realized.  How does this happen?

October 15th has changed our lives.  This was the day he passed out and we spent the night at the hospital.  What if it happens again?  Oh wait, it did.  He failed the tilt table test and for the second time passed out in front of me.  His heart flat lined.  I don’t even have the words to fully explain what that was like.  That makes twice now that I have seen him look dead.    What if there is a next time?

I am trying to remain calm and full of faith.  Did I mention that I am perimenopausal and my stress level was off the charts before this all happened?  How does God think I can deal with this?  What if I can’t?

I so badly wanted to talk to my mom about this.  I called her and she was glad to hear from me.  Then she asked who all was  in my family and where was I living?  We have been in the same town for 20 years this February.  How does she go so quickly through the stages of dementia?  What if she doesn’t remember who I am?  How do I deal with this? I just want my momma to tell me it is going to be ok.

So those are some of the what ifs and how does questions that are bouncing around in my head.

Now for what I know to be true.  I know that God does not give us more than we can handle.  I know that left up to me, I certainly wouldn’t want to handle anything tough.  I know that God is in control.  I know that even in this, I can believe Him and trust Him.  I know that trials make you stronger.  I know that this too shall pass.  I know that on the 9th of December we will have some answers.  I know that God already knows.

Most importantly — I know that people are praying for us.  This is a good thing because all I can do when I go to pray about this is cry.  Ah, but I know that God understands my tears and He hears my heart.

I also know that I have listened to this song a lot lately.  Music does help!

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm!

til next time


November 29, 2010 - Posted by | dementia, just thinking about stuff, living in a fish bowl, perimenopause, relationships


  1. God is our shield, our exceedingly great reward.

    Comment by Pastor Curt | November 30, 2010 | Reply

  2. Deut 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

    May you feel His arms about you as you trust in the knowledge of Him and His care for His children.

    Praying for you

    Comment by meetingintheclouds | November 30, 2010 | Reply

    • Thank you Angela – that is a great verse. I am going to post it on my computer desk where I will see it often.
      Thanks for the prayers.

      Comment by Gloria | December 2, 2010 | Reply

  3. Sounds like you could really empathize right now with the quote that I think is from Mother Theresa (if I remember right): “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He wouldn’t trust me so much!” (Well, it goes something like that anyway.) *HUGS*

    Comment by LisaB | December 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks Lisa — some days are better than others – like Tuesday when he had no symptoms. But that didn’t last 😦 Today he has been dealing with light-headedness. Tomorrow we go to the doctor. So ready for God to restore his heart to wholeness.

      Comment by Gloria | December 2, 2010 | Reply

      • Amen!

        Comment by LisaB | December 2, 2010

  4. You and Pastor Curt continue to be in my prayers. I am reminded of my favorite stormy times song = Scott Krippayne’s Sometimes He Calms the Storm.

    Sometimes He calms the storm
    With a whisper, “Peace. Be still.”
    He can settle any sea, but it doesn’t mean he will.
    Sometimes He holds us close
    And lets the wind and waves go wild.
    Sometimes He calms the storm
    And other times He calms His child.

    Comment by Ruth | December 2, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks Ruth. I just posted the song from u-tube. I am familiar with Scott’s music, but I hadn’t heard that song. What a powerful message.

      Comment by Gloria | December 3, 2010 | Reply

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