Living Life in a Fish Bowl!

Gloria’s take on life.

how many times?

It’s been four weeks.  (click here for the part one)

I have been in enough pain that I  decided  to go ahead with the procedure.  I had hoped, I had prayed, but the pain is still intense.

My family doctor thought they would do the first procedure.  It is the least painful and has no side effects. My situation does not fit that.

The second procedure  is a staple procedure that is less evasive.  The potential for infection, leakage, bleeding, and pain is minimal.  Recovery time is three days.  (I am back now because the first specialist was uncomfortable with doing the staple procedure and was passing me on to the next specialist.)

Deciding yes was no easy thing.

The exam is completed and I am ready to agree to move forward when he comes in and tells me that option number three is what he recommends.

What?

What happened to two?

I thought you didn’t do three anymore?

Because of my fissure he can’t do option two?  Instead he brought out the pictures and showed me what he would be doing.  He then told me that they no longer stitch up the incision but leave it open.  He says it heals better that way.  The area will look awful and it will take four to six weeks to heal.  There are risks and complications associated with this procedure.  He will actually be doing two surgeries at once.  If he only did the first one, I would be back in his office in three days screaming.  Oh and as it heals, it will be way more painful than anything I have currently experienced.

I am not ready to make this decision.  I tell him I can’t imagine hurting more than I already do.

He tells me we can go four more weeks.

There is that sentence again.  Four more weeks.  What is it with four more weeks?

I am indeed in between a rock and a hard place.

It was deja vu all over again.  I really am beginning to hate elevators in doctor buildings.

The door closes and I cry.  All the way to the parking lot I cry.  It doesn’t even matter that people are passing me.   Tears are falling.

Many thoughts run through my head.  Some of them I speak out to my husband.  I recognize they are not helpful thoughts and I just cry.

I believe God could heal me.  I don’t understand why He hasn’t.  Yet who am I to understand the ways of God.

 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NASB)

It dawns on me that our motorcycle trip is in jeopardy.  Short of a healing, there won’t be one.  I cry some more.

My husband is my rock. He believes it will get better.   I am grateful I have him to face this with.  I am grateful for his optimism because mine seems to have been crushed.

“How many times have You heard me cry out God please take this?  How many times have You given me strength to just keep breathing?  Oh I need You, God I need You now.”

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
    Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
    soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
    He’s my God.” Psalm 42:11 (MSG)

click here for part 3

 

til next time

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June 2, 2014 Posted by | just thinking about stuff, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

i will NOT cry!

I will NOT cry!  Think about something else, anything else.  I will NOT cry!

Let me back up.  For the past month and a half I have been dealing with a pain in the behind, literally.   I will spare you the details except to say that it is a whole new level of pain.  After three appointments with two general practitioners,  I had an appointment with a surgeon.  It was my great hope that since he was a specialist,  he would have other options for me.  Unfortunately, he was unable to complete the exam.  His recommendation was for me to see yet another doctor.

“We will make the appointment for four weeks from now.”

Four weeks??

What?

Are you serious?  I won’t last four weeks.

“I know that it is painful but………….”

Quite frankly I don’t remember what he said after that.  I am confident he has no personal experience with how painful it is.

So there I am in the exam room about to fall apart.  Looking back, maybe I should have. Why is it I feel the need to be strong?

As I follow him to the receptionist desk all I could think of was — I will NOT cry!  Think about something else, anything else.  I will NOT cry!

I make the appointment.  Then I walk out to the waiting room, tap my husband on the shoulder and head to the door.  I don’t trust myself to say anything.  As the elevator closes with just the two of us, I am no longer strong and I cry.

Four more weeks?  Then on top of that, a procedure is what this doctor sees in my future.  It is  a procedure he won’t do which is why the next referral.   I don’t want to be put under.  I don’t want to have the procedure.   I just want the pain to STOP!!

All the way to the parking lot I cry.

My husband looks over the pamphlet.  We pick up the  various things that ‘may’ help.  When we get back to our  town, he immediately goes to the local gym and adds me to his membership.  Doctor’s orders, so now that settles this issue for him.    No more Mister Nice Guy.    I will be exercising regularly.  Of course, there will be no biking – which is my favorite form of exercise.

The doctor did tell me that it is possible that it could  heal  on its own.  If it shows signs of improvement by my next appointment, I will be able to avoid the procedure.  I know that God can and does heal.  I also know that He uses doctors and medicine.

God also uses pain.  Pain is a teacher.  I get to decide if it brings me down or causes me to cling tighter to the grace and strength that God has for me.

God does not allow us to go through trials alone.   “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. ( Psalm 46:1)  It just so ‘happened’ that this appointment was on a Wednesday – Bible study night.  While I acknowledge the benefits of a good cry,  a time of worship and praise is much more powerful.  I left church refreshed and no longer view the next four weeks as an eternity.

I am the God that healeth thee.  I am the Lord your healer.  I sent my Word and healed your disease.  I am the Lord, your healer.  (singing Exodus 15:26b)

Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that You and I can’t handle.   That is as true today as it was the first time I heard it.

2 Corinthians 12:7 -10  The Message

7-10 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

click here for part 2

til next time

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May 8, 2014 Posted by | living in a fish bowl, ministry, spiritual reflections | , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments