Living Life in a Fish Bowl!

Gloria’s take on life.

please don’t take it personal

If you had walked past our house yesterday afternoon you may have thought someone was being beaten.  I am grateful that it is winter so the windows are shut.  Since it is cold that means people weren’t working in their yards.  That is a good thing too.

Yes there was screaming and lots of tears.  No, no one was being beaten.  In fact, my husband was there softly telling me to breathe, it would be over soon, and it was going to be ok.  In between all of those comments, he would pray.     Hmmm, you might think I was having a baby.  There are certainly some similarities.   Sadly when it was over, it was just over and all I was left with was pain.  There was no beautiful bundle of joy.

I would  start the whole healing process all over again.  Why?

thoughts

understand

I bought this when my son and our family were going through a most difficult and life altering trial.  When your world is turned upside down, it is good to remember that we don’t have to know why — we just trust that God is with us.  (Psalm 40:1)  This sign has proven to be a wonderful reminder when I would find myself heading down the “why” road.

I was traveling that road yesterday afternoon.  Why?  What possible good is there in this?  God is this really part of your plan?  I just don’t think I can head down this road again.  Plllllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaassssssseeeeeee, God!!

The first time it was nine months (hmmmm again the baby similarities) before the pain was gone.  Six and half months later it would return.  This time it was not as intense but still very evident.

Just last Sunday the pain had finally left.    It was a glorious week.  Then yesterday it returned with a vengeance.

Did you know that when you cough or sneeze  it affects your sphincter muscle?  You probably  did not because unless your muscle is angry you don’t even know you have one.  Trust me, you have one and when it is angry you know it.  No medication will calm it and it will not be ignored.

I have strongly believed that  my health issues have been more of a spiritual thing.  A very small similarity to the boils that Job dealt with.  I have pushed on and refused to let it stop me from moving forward.

I am a firm believer that in my weakness He is strong.  I have proven that over and over again.  (2 cor 12:10)

I still hold to all of that but I am sensing a change in my direction – in how I handle this. I still think it is a spiritual thing.  I believe God gives us grace for what He leads us to and that He has a plan and a purpose for each day.  However, the drive to push through is diminishing.   It is my hope and belief that this is God leading me down a  different path in how to respond to this latest development.

I have discussed this with my husband – who is also my spiritual leader.  He is on board and very supportive.  More than anyone, he knows what this has cost me.

Here he is last night — making me smile!

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It just so happens that (counting today) in 40 days it will be Good Friday.   For the next 40 days I plan to do some serious schedule elimination not revisions.  (I know one friend that will say “it is about time.”)

Today, for instance, I had a great opportunity but it would require three or so hours.  I declined.

So, I will be immersing myself in study.   I will be taking at least four sitz baths a day and be diligent with my food intake.  (I have found that a crazy busy schedule does not work well with a closely guarded food regiment.)

bible

It is my prayer that people won’t take it personally when I decline or eliminate things from my schedule.  Yet, I must leave that in God’s hands.

What is God asking of you?

til next time

click here for part 1 of this journey

 

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February 15, 2016 Posted by | living in a fish bowl, ministry, pastor, Pastor's wife, relationships, spiritual reflections | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

how many times?

It’s been four weeks.  (click here for the part one)

I have been in enough pain that I  decided  to go ahead with the procedure.  I had hoped, I had prayed, but the pain is still intense.

My family doctor thought they would do the first procedure.  It is the least painful and has no side effects. My situation does not fit that.

The second procedure  is a staple procedure that is less evasive.  The potential for infection, leakage, bleeding, and pain is minimal.  Recovery time is three days.  (I am back now because the first specialist was uncomfortable with doing the staple procedure and was passing me on to the next specialist.)

Deciding yes was no easy thing.

The exam is completed and I am ready to agree to move forward when he comes in and tells me that option number three is what he recommends.

What?

What happened to two?

I thought you didn’t do three anymore?

Because of my fissure he can’t do option two?  Instead he brought out the pictures and showed me what he would be doing.  He then told me that they no longer stitch up the incision but leave it open.  He says it heals better that way.  The area will look awful and it will take four to six weeks to heal.  There are risks and complications associated with this procedure.  He will actually be doing two surgeries at once.  If he only did the first one, I would be back in his office in three days screaming.  Oh and as it heals, it will be way more painful than anything I have currently experienced.

I am not ready to make this decision.  I tell him I can’t imagine hurting more than I already do.

He tells me we can go four more weeks.

There is that sentence again.  Four more weeks.  What is it with four more weeks?

I am indeed in between a rock and a hard place.

It was deja vu all over again.  I really am beginning to hate elevators in doctor buildings.

The door closes and I cry.  All the way to the parking lot I cry.  It doesn’t even matter that people are passing me.   Tears are falling.

Many thoughts run through my head.  Some of them I speak out to my husband.  I recognize they are not helpful thoughts and I just cry.

I believe God could heal me.  I don’t understand why He hasn’t.  Yet who am I to understand the ways of God.

 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NASB)

It dawns on me that our motorcycle trip is in jeopardy.  Short of a healing, there won’t be one.  I cry some more.

My husband is my rock. He believes it will get better.   I am grateful I have him to face this with.  I am grateful for his optimism because mine seems to have been crushed.

“How many times have You heard me cry out God please take this?  How many times have You given me strength to just keep breathing?  Oh I need You, God I need You now.”

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
    Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
    soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
    He’s my God.” Psalm 42:11 (MSG)

click here for part 3

 

til next time

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June 2, 2014 Posted by | just thinking about stuff, Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments