tested

I would think after my great revelation the other night (click here to read about it) that I would be doing so much better.  My head is back on straight so  whether or not my head is ringing shouldn’t be a big deal.  Right?

Au contraire.

That is the thing about revelations — mine almost always get put through the fire.  Whether it is a brand new revelation or a refresher of one that I have known, it doesn’t matter.  It will be tested.  That, my friend, is a big deal.

What happened?

Wednesday night was a turning point for me.  I know – that I know – that I know that God’s grace will see me through this.  Whether it ever gets better or not – God is there to help me deal with it.  His grace is sufficient for me.

Thursday morning is my day to open the shop.  I get there ready for whatever will come my way.  I have my big girl boots on!  It is going to be a great day!  Attitude makes a difference.

At 7:10  I know that there is a problem.  I try to tell my brain that it is ok.  I am wondering if this new medication was a good idea.  I try to focus on something – anything but at 7:21 (I’ve been there all of 33 minutes) I know I must give in and take the pill.  The pill is an anti-anxiety pill.

The doctor tells me that my brain is confusing the signals from my inner ear.  While there is a real problem going on, my brain registers that there  is a greater risk than there really is.  It sets off an all points bulletin alert that I am in grave danger.

I had waited to long (stupid mistake #1) but I really just didn’t want to take the stupid thing.  After all there was no danger.

I called  Curt.  At first I just wanted him to call me in 10 minutes just to make sure I wasn’t passed out.  (I was the only one in the office until 8:00)  As I was talking to him though, I knew it was bad and asked him to come over.

He was there as fast as lightning.  My hero!    He stayed until others showed up.  I can’t explain what it was like but I know now the horrors of a full blown  anxiety attack.  (Again this is something I sure didn’t have to experience to realize that it is horrible – sigh)

I was feeling better by 8:00 so I stayed at work.  (This was stupid mistake #2 of the day.)  The new medicine the doctor put me on will cause some drowsiness.  The anti-anxiety pill will also cause drowsiness.  Combining them… well let’s just say that by 1:30 that afternoon I wasn’t sure about much.

The realization hit that I really should be in bed.  I sure didn’t want to take another pill for this new attack that was lurking in the shadows  and messing with my brain and heart.

I had to get home and get to bed.  For someone with a highly driven mentality,  this was most frustrating.   However, I wasn’t going to make yet one more mistake.  Knowing your limitations is a healthy thing.

I sure don’t understand why this is happening.  I don’t know when it will be better.   I do know that ‘It is what it is’.  I will continue to trust God, knowing He has a reason and a plan.   I will continue to pray for grace to see me through until the healing is complete.

I love this song.  If you have time, listen to it.

Give me Jesus

“When my head starts to ring, when my head starts to ring, when my head starts to ring give me Jesus.  Give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world just give me Jesus.”

Whatever you are facing — God is so very much bigger.  He has a plan.  Trust Him!  Hold on to Him.  He will see you through.  You are not alone.

So this morning I go head back to work wearing my big girl boots.  It’s gonna be a great day.  Why?  Because God is still God!

til next time